FINDING MY VOICE AGAIN—LOVE 

I need to tell you…beginning to write once more feels a little bit like learning to walk all over again—like baby giraffe legs—looking and feeling EVERY bit awkward. There’s a lot that has happened since I last posted…

But underneath alllll of that awkwardness I also feel something of deep beauty too—the beauty of newness, renewal and freshness. A beauty of being fully known in all of my sin, frailty and imperfections and still being fully loved. 

There is beauty in pressing in, getting back up after getting knocked out, trying again, pushing through, and walking with the pain instead of running from it…there is beauty in not being afraid anymore. 

As I begin to write again I want to share the BIGGEST story here, which is one of love. 

It’s ultimately a story about God and how good, gracious, generous and kind he has been to me and my family.

Although we have not yet shared the story of what happened publicly…I want you to know God has loved us. He has been with us through the most painful of circumstances and loved with purpose, intention, selflessness and compassion. He has not remained far off and instead has come near, stooped low, lifted our faces and set our feet back on high places. 

The Lord has never left us. He has always been faithful. He is holy and in His presence we are made radiant. We have tasted and seen that He.Is.Good. So very good.

Gratitude fills my heart as I come back to writing and sharing in these small corners of the internet. Gratitude for who the Lord is. Gratitude for the work the Lord is doing. Gratitude for all He has done and gratitude for all I know He has yet to do. 

And gratitude for you. My heart has been so encouraged by those of you who have reached out, prayed, followed up and checked in.

Thank you.

THE BIBLE & LOVE 

I used to believe that time would heal all wounds…but that isn’t true. Time might help us forget the intensity of deep agony, loss and pain. It might help us overlook, become distracted or attempt to numb or pretend it didn’t happen…but it certainly does not, cannot, and will not heal. 

Love does.

Love heals. 

The Bible is clear about many things, but most of all the Bible is clear about what it means to love. 

Love is patient and kind, it is not arrogant or rude, it doesn’t envy or boast. It doesn’t demand being right, it’s not irritable or resentful. It doesn’t celebrate what is wrong but instead rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, endures and hopes all things…love is…unending. 

Jen Wilkin, in her study Abide, defines love in this way: “Love is an intelligent, purposeful attitude of esteem and devotion; a selfless, purposeful, outgoing attitude that desires to do good to the one loved.” 

The pursuit by the one loving is so evident. 

Love is intentional. 

The Lord’s love is far-reaching, unfathomable, and unending. He loves with a love that is intelligent and purposeful, intentional and selfless. 

That is who He is.
So it’s no wonder He desires for His people to be marked by His love. 

His love is seen in us by our love for Jesus, our love for others…but especially…brace yourself…our love for our enemies. 

What kind of people are we if we only have affection for those who treat us well? Even the world can do that. 

What makes Christians distinct, set apart and unique is our love for those who have treated us with contempt and hatred…LOVE for those who have shunned, ghosted, lied, cast out, ignored, mocked, and slandered. 

The world, and the desires of our own flesh, give us every reason to hate those sorts of people. They cause insurmountable destruction, a wake of heartache and pain…and then simply look the other way. Yes, it would be very easy to hate.

To hate someone would be the opposite of love. 

Hate, according to Jen Wilkin, is “an intelligent, purposeful attitude of contempt and disloyalty; a selfish, purposeful, inward attitude that desires to do bad to the one hated.” 

Although we have been treated in these ways, the Lord calls us to something so very opposing of what the flesh would desire.

To love someone who has treated you with hatred is something entirely unique. That kind of love is not just uncomfortable, it’s unfathomable. 

Who would willingly choose to show love, kindness, compassion and intentionality toward someone who has offered contempt, distance, division, disunity, disdain and deceit?! 

Jesus does. And to follow Him means to choose to love like Him too… 

HOW CAN WE KNOW TRUE LOVE? 

Sometimes in life it’s hard to know the difference between love and hate. Someone can say with their mouth, “I love you,” and yet their actions not AT ALL fall into alignment. 

Can we truly love someone by saying so with our mouths and yet live in contempt with our actions? 

Is there a way we can tell fake (dishonest) love from real (genuine) love? 

1 John 3:16-18 answers that very question. 

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 

“Closes his heart.” That is such an interesting phrase isn’t it? I think if we are honest we can all say we know the uncomfortable tension of simultaneously loving God but very much wanting to withhold our love from a person who is difficult, hateful or unlovable. But God says we are not to close off our hearts. If we cannot love our brothers and sisters whom we can see, how can we truly love God whom we cannot see?! 

There are over 100 verses in the Bible containing the phrase “one another”, over 90 of them in the New Testament. 47 of those are instructed to Believers and 60+ of them were written by the apostle Paul. Jesus’s final prayer for his people is for us to be “one.” All throughout the Bible are themes of unity, humility, serving, considering others, devotion, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, fervency, peace…all under the umbrella of loving one another…and that’s not even scratching the surface.

Seems to me God takes “loving one another” VERY seriously. 

And I can understand why. It is by our love for one another that we, and others, can “see” the invisible God. When God’s people are one – when there is unity, harmony, and connection – His love is made known…and there is a lost and dying world that needs and longs to know that kind of love.

If those who know the love Jesus cannot model it…woe to us all…

Whenever there is division, discord, and disunity, there is not love. 

—-

Let that kind of love begin with and be seen in us…no matter how we are treated.

THE TIME HAS COME, Pt. 1 

God has been encouraging Matt and I to get ready…now He’s convicting us it’s time-and we agree!

In the coming months there will be two stories unfolding simultaneously: 

First, we will be opening up about this past year in the life of our family. So many of you have reached out asking, “What happened?!” While we have had a desire to share we have patiently waited for His timing. Second, we will be sharing our future story of new beginnings and dreams coming true. 

In regards to “what happened”…there are deep wounds we have needed to heal from and we praise God that healing, always a process, is continually taking place. 

There are friends, family members, mentors, counselors and advisors who have come alongside us and have walked this past stretch of life with us in such meaningful and significant ways. They have repeatedly reminded us of the gospel, encouraged us, spurred us on, and spoken life to us…at times even carried us when we didn’t think we could go on. 

They’ve sifted through and joined us in our anger, helped us remember the big picture, cried with us when we’ve cried, and laughed with us as we’ve found joy again. 

They have prayed over us, persevered with us, and sought Jesus on our behalf. 

Friends like these are worth more than all of the gold in the world. We owe them everything and yet they ask for nothing. 

These friends have formed a “board” if you will…to help me, personally, regain stability, courage and confidence in the Lord as I step back into writing publicly again. As the story unfolds I believe it will be abundantly clear why they have come by my side to help, serve and stand. Their hearts are to enter into this story with us, and to be a protection for both me and Matt. We humbly submit our words before them and trust them to help us guard our hearts from all bitterness and remove anything that is not of the Lord. 

There is a deep comfort and rest for me knowing these broken, undone, shattered parts of our story aren’t shared openly without first being read, edited, and prayed over by trusted friends. As iron sharpens iron…we have no desire to do this alone, and to have their support encourages us so very much. 

Unfortunately, situations like the one we have walked through are far too common. We have listened, cried, and grieved deeply over the stories of so many others who have suffered like us by those in our same local context. 

But these situations are FAR too common in a broad sense too. Matt and I have spent over two decades walking with others in the extreme mess, brutal aftermath and deep pain a church and its leaders can create. 

I want this to be abundantly clear, there is absolutely no desire in Matt or me to expose those who have treated us with contempt in order for any of you to take up a case on our behalf. We have clung to Romans 12 this past year which calls us to bless and not curse and we would ask you all to join us in doing likewise. We fully believe the Lord hates the darkness even more than we do, and so we can trust Him to do as He pleases. The Lord says vengeance belongs to Him alone, and we must fully trust Him in that.

The Lord calls us to walk in forgiveness, always open to the healing, redeeming work of reconciliation. He calls us to speak truth in love, to test what is true and to love those who are refusing to walk in the light. For it is His kindness that leads us all to repentance…may the same be true of us. May it be our kindness that brings light into the dark, hidden places.

As far as it depends on us, we have made every effort to be at peace with all men. It bears repeating, we hold nothing against the people we once called friends. Although they have treated us as enemies, we love them and are actively and regularly praying God’s richest blessings over each of their lives and those in their families. We, again, thank the Lord for His healing and the freshness that comes from abiding in Him. 

Our desire in sharing our experience in the days ahead is to push, encourage, and spur on the Church (meaning the Body of Christ at large) toward good works, unity and oneness. We long for the Church to be known by a deep, pure and honest love for one another—for all to see Jesus more clearly and love one another more fully, just as He has loved us. 

THE TIME HAS COME, Pt. 2 

God has been encouraging us for quite some time that this is a time of new beginnings and new dreams.

What God has brought out of these ashes is incredible and we could not be more grateful. God is always slow, but He is never late. It may not have been our preferred time table, but all is happening right on time. 🙂

Matt started a brand new business and its going really well. He is incredibly gifted, loves the work he’s doing, and loves the people he’s interacting with. The companies and ministries Matt serves love him too–they have given raving reviews of him, his character and his wisdom…and I couldn’t be more proud of my husband. 

We are no longer employed in ministry within the local church, which is a great thing considering all that’s happened. At the same time, there is need to let go and grieve as that is all we’ve known for our entire marriage. Matt has been serving the local church for over 25 years…so there’s definitely loss to consider in the midst of our gratitude. We would love your prayers as Matt continues to step into this new season. 

Also, we have been investing in my content as an actual business! My new branding was done by an actual professional! My work is now part of a fully registered, legit company! And, get this, I actually have a business plan for the first time ever! 

I have dreamed of doing this for over a decade but never felt like the time was right. But that long, long season of waiting and being patient is over! We are so excited to enter into this new stretch of our story and cannot wait to embrace all the Lord has for us! 

On Thursday I am announcing the pre-launch of my VERY FIRST COURSE that will officially be for sale on March 21st, 2023! I plan to launch 5 courses in the next few years and this one is the first!!! I cannot believe it is actually happening! I’ll be active again on social media and will be writing again more regularly here on the blog! 

I’ll be giving updates on ALL of the kids and sharing especially of how our sweet Corban is doing. Thank you to all of you who have been praying for him and wearing the TEAM CORBAN armbands! He reads every message and it’s not uncommon for him to tear up with gratitude that any of you would be mindful of him. Thank you! 

If you are still reading this, that means you have consumed a LOT OF WORDS to get to this point…and for that I say thank you. In all of this time of hardship and suffering I have often wondered who would be here, if anyone, when I returned…if you’ve made it this far I want you to know how sincerely and deeply grateful I am. 

Here is my prayer looking to the past with a soft heart and moving forward into the unknown… 

COME MAGNIFY THE LORD WITH ME 

I will bless the LORD at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth. 

My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. 

Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! 

I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. 

Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed. 

This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. 

The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them. 

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. 

– Psalm 34 

(The song Psalm 34 by Shane & Shane is on REPEAT every single day for me right now. If you haven’t heard it…or if you want to get into my headspace as I wrote this first returning post…you have to go listen. It’s unbelievable and has meant so very much to me as I walk with Him into the unknown.)

He alone matters.